10 Strategies to Move from Disorganized to Secure Attachment
Disorganized attachment may be the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles. It is marked by a deep desire for closeness, coupled with an intense fear of intimacy and trust. This often results in contradictory behaviors in relationships—craving connection but pushing it away; fearing abandonment yet depending deeply on others for a sense of self-worth.
This attachment style often develops in response to early childhood experiences where caregivers were both a source of fear and distress through inconsistent caregiving, neglect, abuse, or trauma. As a result, individuals with disorganized attachment may feel emotionally unsafe in relationships, leading to a push-pull dynamic that makes intimacy difficult for all involved.
Can Disorganized Attachment Be Healed?
Yes! Attachment styles are adaptable. While deeply ingrained patterns can be difficult to shift, they are not permanent. With self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional relationship-building, it is possible to move toward a secure attachment style, where relationships feel safe, stable, and fulfilling.
Healing is Unique for Everyone
It’s important to remember that everyone’s healing journey looks different. The following strategies provide general guidance, but individual experiences will vary. Attachment styles are not static across all relationships - you could have a secure attachment with your friends and a disorganized attachment with romantic partners.
By recognizing these variations, you can approach healing with compassion, flexibility, and patience rather than rigid expectations.
1. Develop Self-Awareness
💡 Why It Matters:
Recognizing your attachment tendencies is the first step toward change. Many people with disorganized attachment are unaware of how their behaviors such as self-sabotage, emotional withdrawal, or distrust, stem from early attachment wounds.
🛠 Action Step:
Ask yourself:
Do I push people away when they get too close?
Do I crave intimacy but fear being hurt or abandoned?
Do I feel like I can’t trust people, even when they’re kind?
Do I self-sabotage when a relationship starts feeling secure?
Journaling your emotional reactions and relationship patterns can help you identify triggers and recurring themes in your interactions.
2. Build Emotional Regulation Skills
💡 Why It Matters:
Disorganized attachment often involves difficulty managing emotions, leading to impulsive behaviors, emotional shutdowns, or self-sabotage in relationships.
🛠 Action Step:
Practice these self-regulation techniques:
Mindful breathing to calm stress responses
Grounding exercises (e.g., identifying five things you see, hear, or touch) to stay present
Self-soothing activities like meditation, journaling, or movement-based practices (such as yoga or dance)
Developing emotional regulation allows for greater stability in relationships and reduces reactive patterns.
3. Seek Therapy or Professional Support
💡 Why It Matters:
Because disorganized attachment is often rooted in early trauma, therapy can be a powerful tool in reshaping relational patterns.
🛠 Action Step:
A trauma-informed therapist can help you:
Process past wounds in a safe, supportive environment.
Develop healthier communication and trust-building skills.
Work through attachment-based fears with guidance.
If therapy feels overwhelming, consider starting with self-help books, online resources, or support groups that focus on attachment healing.
4. Challenge Negative Core Beliefs
💡 Why It Matters:
People with disorganized attachment often hold deep-seated negative beliefs such as:
“I can’t trust anyone.”
“Love is dangerous.”
“People always leave.”
“I have to protect myself at all costs.”
These beliefs—often shaped by childhood experiences—create self-fulfilling patterns of fear and avoidance.
🛠 Action Step:
Identify the origin of these beliefs.
Ask yourself, “Is this belief always true?”
Replace it with a balanced, realistic perspective (e.g., "Some people are trustworthy and capable of emotional safety.").
5. Cultivate Secure Relationships
💡 Why It Matters:
Healing happens in relationships, not isolation. Seeking out safe, emotionally available connections provides the relational security needed for healing.
🛠 Action Step:
Surround yourself with people who are:
Emotionally available and responsive
Consistent and reliable
Supportive without being controlling
Tip: Observe how people make you feel—secure relationships should feel safe, not overwhelming.
6. Learn to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
💡 Why It Matters:
People with disorganized attachment often struggle with boundaries, either oversharing too quickly or avoiding emotional intimacy entirely.
🛠 Action Step:
Identify what makes you feel emotionally safe or unsafe.
Practice saying no without guilt.
Balance giving and receiving in relationships.
Healthy boundaries create relationship stability and help you feel more in control of your emotional space.
7. Practice Secure Attachment Behaviors
💡 Why It Matters:
Even if secure attachment doesn’t feel natural, practicing secure habits can rewire your brain for healthier relationships.
🛠 Action Step:
Express needs directly, instead of testing others.
Handle conflict calmly, instead of withdrawing or escalating.
Allow small moments of vulnerability, instead of shutting down.
Over time, secure behaviors become second nature.
8. Develop a Self-Compassion Practice
💡 Why It Matters:
Disorganized attachment often comes with shame and self-criticism. Many people blame themselves for struggling in relationships.
🛠 Action Step:
Speak to yourself as you would to a friend.
Remind yourself that your past does not define your future.
Replace self-blame with self-acceptance and patience.
9. Learn to Navigate Relationship Triggers
💡 Why It Matters:
Triggers will still arise during healing. Moments of fear, mistrust, or emotional shutdown are normal.
🛠 Action Step:
When triggered, ask yourself:
“Is this fear based on my past or my present?”
“What is a secure, healthy way to respond?”
“How can I communicate my needs without withdrawing or attacking?”
This mindfulness helps interrupt automatic fear-based reactions and replace them with conscious, secure responses.
10. Be Patient with the Healing Process
💡 Why It Matters:
Healing disorganized attachment is not a quick fix—it’s a gradual process of rewiring deep-rooted patterns. There will be setbacks, but each step forward counts.
🌿 Growth Reminder:
Every time you choose trust over fear, you’re healing.
Every time you express emotions openly, you’re healing.
Every time you allow love and safety, you’re healing.
Healing is a journey, not a destination - every effort you make brings you closer to secure attachment.
Final Thoughts: Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Disorganized attachment is challenging, but it is not permanent. With self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional relationship-building, you can develop an earned-secure attachment style where:
~ Relationships feel safe, not overwhelming.
~ You can trust and communicate openly.
~ You navigate emotions with greater stability and confidence.
By practicing these 10 strategies, you are taking powerful steps toward a future where love, connection, and emotional security are fully within reach.
